and I don’t even know where to start, but just know that in the past month alone I have been dealing with: - My Mom’s cancer diagnosis and her two procedures. First one was a biopsy, second one was to remove the majority of the tumor. After she heals she has to go through radiation for 22 weeks I believe. - My 7 year old dog, my first and only pet I’ve ever owned died. He died the same night my Mom’s biopsy was confirmed to be cancer. He had no health issues, hermangiosarcoma is a bitch and I lowkey feel scarred from the idea of owning a pet again. No one told me they can suddenly just fucking drop dead even though I took such good care of him... I miss Benji so much he was the light of my life and it’s so hard functioning without him.

so I have been going through a lot. drawing has been incredibly painful and difficult for me since everything. it’s been a very slow process, i’ve only JUST recently been able to start working through my queue. I finished the paid pieces I owed people today, and there’s one piece I owe a mutual of mine, but after that I think that’s everything. after that, i don’t know what I will do. I don’t think commissions or drawing for other people is good for my health right now, as drawing is and mainly was my way of coping with having autism and living in a very erratic and neglectful home life, that I unfortunately still am living in. that coupled with taking care of my Mom and everything…. I just am so tired. I’m considering logging off for an extended period of time and just drawing and living for myself for once, but I don’t know.

my birthday was last week, I’m 23 now. I hate that I get older. I’m essentially a child in the body of an adult so each year I get older I get sadder and sadder that I physically aging but not mentally. i wish that i could function in the sense of a normal person.. I’m taking two college classes right now but I feel like I’m barely even able to handle that. it’s so incredibly frustrating and heart breaking to live my life as someone who clearly is disabled both physically and mentally but the world isn’t set up for people like me to safely exist so i have to set myself on fire and push myself to behave like a normal person just to survive. im so tired. i just wish someone would take care of me. i wish my Mom would‘ve cared for me and been gentle with me like I now have to be with her. idk i feel very lonely. and everytime i think i make an online friend i unintentionally creep them out or annoy them or just idk it never feels genuine.. i long to connect to people so badly but it feels like something innately inside of me repels people from wanting to be close to me. but i just want to be understood and card for, you know? idk. i’m trying not to think about any of this too much anymore…