There's something in the air in the Anglosphere. Tony Abbott's been booted out of office, Bernie Sanders is running for U.S. Presidential nominee, and revelations in the British tabloids suggest David Cameron has run afoul of his master clique. People want change, and while it may be too early to forecast the death of neoliberalism, a few factions are mobilizing against it. So it is only natural that my attention turns to the country I hate to love to hate, Canada—or more accurately, the current Canadian government.

Tragic as it is, I've always found it easy to write off American politics—its very electoral cycle is practically a celebrity in itself, and the so-called leader of the free world has such a byzantine nomination process marinated in so much corporate sponsorship it's a wonder it hasn't 'elected' King Midas for life. Which is one of the reasons I became so fascinated by Canadian politics from 2006 on: for the country commonly held as America's smarter, kinder, calmer brother, in less than a decade it's gone even further off the rails, to the point that international media has taken notice.

So, since Canada's due for a federal election this month, I thought I'd do my part as a global citizen to raise awareness of the stakeholders in what was once the G-7's favourite country:

New Democratic Party

Successor to the Co-operative Commonwealth Federation, it posits itself as left-wing but has gradually sloughed off much of its original socialist ideology. Arguably reached its peak under Jack Layton in the 2011 federal election where it trounced the Bloc Québecois on its home turf, becoming the Official Opposition for the first time in its history. Currently led by Thomas Mulcair, a Quebec lawyer.

PROS

• Traditionally pro-labour, advocates strong social safety nets
• Opposed Bill C-51, Canada's approximation of the PATRIOT ACT
• Opposes the Trans-Pacific Partnership Agreement, a free trade deal that will further entrench transnational corporate hegemony and facilitate the export of manufacturing jobs to Asia
• Other parties steal its best ideas, so it must be doing something right

CONS

• Thinks it can balance a Tory budget without cutting services
• Plans to abolish the Senate, but will only work out the details after election
• Sherbrooke Declaration will recognize a 50%+1 vote as sufficient to break up the country

Liberal Party of Canada

Oldest extant federal political party, dubbed the 'natural governing party' for its hegemony throughout the Twentieth Century. For most of its existence it was the advocate of free trade, then swapped ideological poles with the Progressive Conservatives in the Eighties and is now recognized as the centrist 'status quo' party. Currently led by Justin Trudeau, son of late Prime Minister/celebrity Pierre Trudeau.

PROS

• Has the guts to call for state intervention during a recession
• Has largely refrained from ad-hominem attack ads out of respect for public decorum
• Will bring all the Premiers to the Paris climate conference
• Believes a Canadian is a Canadian is a Canadian

CONS

• Assumes the public still remembers how Keynesian economics works
• Voted for Bill C-51 even after the Tories rejected its proposed amendment package
• Supports the principle of the TPPA
• Seven years as an MP is apparently too young to be Prime Minister?

Conservative Party of Canada

Formed out of the merger of the Progressive Conservatives and Canadian Alliance (formerly Reform Party) in 2003, leading "Red Tories" to jump ship over what they saw as ideological betrayal and the party's rapid slide to the far right. Tireless advocate of big business and neoliberalism, privatization of public services, militarist foreign policy, closet racism, religious fanaticism, scientific denialism, hyper-individualism, and divide-and-conquer politics. Currently led by Stephen Harper, a Reform veteran and megalomaniac.

PROS

• Direct line to the PM if you're a corporate lobbyist
• LEGO people like his hair?

CONS

• Elected on a platform of federal accountability, then broke the Federal Accountability Act in the very next election
• Takes all the credit for boom years and none of the blame for busts
• Thinks Question Period is when the government interrogates the opposition, not the other way around
• Abuses parliamentary privilege to disseminate party propaganda through MPs' offices at public expense
• Almost never provides spokespeople for media interviews and candidates' debates, and those that do show up follow prerehearsed scripts
• Continues to waste public money on Economic Action Plan ads years after the programme ended
• Runs campaign-style attack ads outside of the election cycle
• Limits as much as possible unscripted press conferences and 'unfavourable' questions from journalists
• Implements blanket tax cuts disproportionally advantageous to the upper class and virtually worthless to the poor
• Cuts funding to health care, then claims private hospitals will fix the shortfall
• Replaced tradition of ministerial resignation out of principle with a culture of delegation, scapegoating, and buck-passing
• Claims discretionary power to revoke citizenship of individuals based on misconduct "inconsistent with Canadian values"
• Has implied environmental activists are terrorists
• Several MPs past and present have connections to radical evangelist organizations in both Canada and the United States
• Disregards decades of diplomatic mediation on the international stage in favour of blind support for Israel
• Constantly emphasizes a military role in foreign relations, yet cuts funding to veterans' services
• Wanted Canada to join the 2003 invasion of Iraq
• Inherited a budget surplus in 2006 and proceeded to run seven consecutive deficits, including the worst deficit and worst net debt in thirty years
• Answered nation-wide daycare shortage by writing parents monthly cheques
• Promised not to tax income trusts in 2006, then taxed income trusts after forming the government
• Settled on a lower reimbursement in the softwood lumber dispute than American courts ruled Canada was entitled to
• Degraded decorum in the House of Commons to the point that the Ottawa Citizen began keeping score
• Made a public show about cutting the Goods and Services Tax, then quietly raised residential income tax
• Packs budgets into bloated omnibus bills to force through controversial legislation, then accuses the opposition of 'obstructionism' when it tries to properly dissect them
• Advocated fixed election dates, then triggered elections for political advantage
• Campaigned on an elected Senate, then implemented a non-binding advisory body for pre-selected candidates
• Fired Canadian Nuclear Safety Commissioner Linda Keen after the Chalk River Labs reactor was shut down for an overdue safety upgrade, claiming threat of a critical medical isotope shortage, then declared Canada was getting out of the isotope business the very next year
• Advanced junk statistics about "unreported crime" to justify construction of new prisons when the national crime rate was in decline
• Tables unconstitutional legislation, then attacks the Chief Justice when the Supreme Court strikes it down
• Thinks the solution to chronic failure of the native reserve system is to entrench individual property rights, not improve communal conditions
• Abolished the National Gun Registry, then broke the law by destroying the data
• Abolished the mandatory long-form census, then claims it can't act because of lack of data
• Appointed Kevin Page as Parliamentary Budget Officer, then attacked him when he published critical reports
• Withdrew from the Kyoto Accord in favour of progressively weaker emission-reduction targets decades into the future
• Cut funding to the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, then threatened further cuts if it couldn't recoup costs, forcing it to act like a commercial network
• Prorogued parliament in 2008 to avoid a no-confidence motion by the opposition
• Secretly proposed a coalition government in 2004 with the Bloc Québecois and NDP to oust the Liberals, yet decried the public 2008 Liberal–NDP coalition as "undemocratic"
• Appointed Gary Goodyear as Minister of Science, who refused to confirm whether he supported the theory of evolution because "I don't think anybody asking a question about my religion is appropriate"
• Prorogued parliament in 2009 to disrupt an inquiry into allegations that Canadian authorities knowingly transferred prisoners to Afghan officials for torture
• Rewrote the Citizenship Guide to remove references to public welfare programmes and institutions, migrant history, civil rights, and social justice, while emphasizing military history and the British monarchy
• Boasts Canadian banks' resilience to the 2009 crash despite wanting to deregulate the financial sector
• Fired Helena Guergis without cause after husband and former Tory MP Rahim Jaffer pleaded guilty to careless driving, yet defended Dean Del Mastro amid a criminal investigation by the RCMP
• Engaged in deliberate voter suppression through robocalls
• Cut funding to women's rights, aboriginal rights, and related advocacy groups if they weren't 'service providers'
• Cut funding grants to artists that produced works critical of government policy
• Advanced punitive crime agenda of mandatory minimum sentences and harsher punishments, despite opposition from the courts and law enforcement officials
• Cut funding to and/or closed environmental departments, and has since restricted federal scientists from speaking freely with the press
• Reclassified numerous water bodies as "non-navigable waterways" to sidestep environmental protection laws
• Divested Atomic Energy of Canada Limited to private companies on a lightning-fast schedule at fire-sale prices
• Rejected a UN motion to enshrine clean water as a human right
• Promised a "new era in Aboriginal relations", only to launch literally half a Truth and Reconciliation Commission into residential schools, and refuses to hold a federal inquiry into missing and murdered women because it's a 'police matter'
• Tried to shut down Vancouver's safe injection centre Insite despite demonstrated improvements to health and safety
• Made a secret trade deal with China with a minimum 15-year cancellation notice
• Ordered federal researchers to abandon pure science in favour of commercial applications
• Defended Cabinet Minister Bev Oda despite her being found in contempt of parliament for perjury
• Found in contempt of parliament in 2011 for refusing to disclose cost estimates of the Joint Strike Fighter programme and "tough-on-crime" legislation
• Appointed Angelo Persichilli as Communications Minister in 2011, despite not speaking French and an anti-Quebec attitude
• Declared its foreign relations strategy would focus on trade, and little else
• Tabled Bill C-30, enabling warrantless digital surveillance, with then-public safety minister Vic Toews stating "either stand with us or with the child pornographers"
• Extended military commitment in Afghanistan beyond 2011 without seeking parliamentary approval
• Spent millions of dollars on War of 1812 commemorations, yet didn't even acknowledge the thirtieth anniversary of the patriation of the Canadian Constitution
• Mused closing Canadian embassies and piggybacking off the British High Commission instead
• Declared in 2012 that same-sex marriages conducted since 2004 were null and void abroad, yet insisted it was not reopening the gay marriage debate
• Abolished the per-vote subsidy to federal parties, drastically reducing the opposition's funds
• Overhauled the temporary foreign worker program, essentially letting corporations decide the criteria for immigration
• Prorogued parliament in 2013 because it felt like it
• Refused to sign the 2013 UN Arms Trade Treaty, claiming it would infringe on private gun owners
• Introduced Bill C-13 as a response to cyberbullying that was really a rehash of Bill C-30, and included provisions far beyond its stated intent
• Created a new national park without consulting local native groups, leaving key lands open to resource extraction
• Instituted income splitting against the advice of the Parliamentary Budget Officer and former finance minister Jim Flaherty
• Gave the City of Ottawa $70 million for a patch job to the deteriorating Museum of Science and Technology, despite requests for a new facility since 2001
• Cut funding to Canada Post, forcing it to roll back door-to-door delivery
• Created laws to obstruct refugee applications, then claims the process is difficult because it's the law
• Propagates fear-mongering that Canada is "under siege by ISIS"
• Closed its embassy with Iran over 'human rights violations', yet touted Bahrain as a key ally in the War on Terror
• Refused to confirm end date for initial combat operations against ISIS in 2014
• Voted against the UN Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples, the only member state to do so.
• Fought to keep child soldier and Canadian citizen Omar Khadr in Guantánamo Bay despite every other Western nation extraditing its nationals, then fought the courts first to stay the extradition, and then to keep him in a local prison
• Entire economic strategy revolves around turning Canada into a petro state, delaying the 2015 budget by two months when oil prices tanked
• Continues to push the Keystone XL pipeline even after American sentiment turned against it
• Continues to support the Joint Strike Fighter programme despite the project running billions of dollars over budget and field testing revealing it's demonstrably worse than current-gen interceptors
• Tried to cover up improper living expenses claimed by senator Mike Duffy through backdoor money exchanges, then tried to cover up the Prime Minister's Office's knowledge of those exchanges
• Violated the Constitution by refusing to fill Senate vacancies
• Claims Senate reform does not require a constitutional rewrite
• Stonewalled response to Levantine refugee crisis through scare-mongering about 'bogus applicants' and 'terrorist infiltration'
• Proposed meaningless laws that would cap taxes and prohibit deficit spending
• Tried to pass a motion enabling Dean Del Mastro to sit in the House of Commons, despite being convicted for breaching the Elections Act
• Calls 2014 Parliament shooter Michael Zehaf-Bibeau a "terrorist" yet made no comment on Moncton shooter Justin Bourque, even though Bourque's stated goal was to spark a national revolution
• Appropriated land originally promised to the judiciary for construction of a Sovietesque "Memorial to the Victims of Communism", despite Canada never having been a source of Socialist oppression
• Promises to ratify the Trans-Pacific Partnership Agreement despite disclosing no details on what the treaty contains
• Introduced Bill C-51, greatly expanding police and state intelligence surveillance and detention powers with no oversight, and broadening the definition of "terrorism" to the point that any unsanctioned public demonstration could be targeted

Bloc Québecois

Founded in 1990 after the failure of the Meech Lake Accord to advocate for Quebec sovereignty. Hilariously formed "Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition" in 1993. The NDP victory in 2011 knocked it down to four seats, later losing two more. Currently led by Gilles Duceppe, who lost his seat in 2011 but returned for this cycle because nobody can even remember who his successors were.

PROS

• Actually quite similar to the NDP in terms of general outlook
• Voted against Bill C-51

CONS

• Only runs in Quebec
• Its raison d'être is to break up the country
• Doesn't like Muslims

Green Party of Canada

Formed in 1983 out of disgruntled Liberals and Conservatives advocating an environmentalist platform, it shares many of the same tenets with other countries' Green Parties (social justice, anti-nuclear, pacifism) although doesn't maintain cross-border alliances. Currently led by Elizabeth May, the first candidate to actually be duly elected as an MP, and who is virtually synonymous with the party.

PROS

• Ideologically even further left of the modern NDP
• Voted against Bill C-51
• Elizabeth May will personally answer your letter

CONS

• Odds of actually forming a government are practically nil
• Has to fight to even get onto the leaders' debates

Strength in Democracy

Founded in 2014 by MPs Jean-François Fortin and Jean-François Larose from the Bloc and NDP, respectively, over frustration that the leading federal parties were more interested in power politics than representing the electorate. Headquartered in Quebec but alleges to run candidates outside the province. Currently led by Fortin.

PROS

• Wants to bring government back to governing
• Voted against Bill C-51

CONS

• Yeah, I only actually learned about them in the process of writing this up

If this all goes over your head, don't worry; former Tory Premier Danny Williams summarized it best, all the way back in 2007:

"I am encouraging Newfoundlanders and Labradorians, and Canadians, in the next federal election to simply vote ABC — easy to remember.

Vote ABC — anything but Conservative."