0:00
[Open on Pan European Game Information Category 16 icon]
VOICEOVER: PEGI 16.
[Cut to black]
0:02
[Begin ambient music; that sort of unaccompanied percussion rhythm meant
to build tension]
[Cut to long shot of ST. BASIL'S CATHEDRAL, evening, heavy snow]
CIA OFFICER (VOICEOVER): Gentlemen.
[Fade to black]
0:04
[Cut to INTERTITLE GAME DEVELOPER]
[Fade to black]
0:05
[Cut to RUSSIAN MILITARY CONVOY in slow procession down major American
highway]
CIA OFFICER (VOICEOVER): The Russians are here.
[Fade to black]
0:07
[Cut to INTERTITLE GAME PUBLISHER]
[Fade to black]
0:08
[Cut to BRIEFING ROOM, front close shot on intelligence officers seated
around table, heads outside of POV. Tracking shot of CIA OFFICER walking
behind them]
CIA OFFICER (VOICEOVER): Their special agent is among them.
[Fade to black]
0:11
[Cut to URBAN FIREFIGHT, over-the-shoulder shot of USMC skirmishing with
Russian infantry]
CIA OFFICER (VOICEOVER): He is an expert tactician.
[Fade to black]
0:14
[Cut to DELTA FORCE OPERATIVE on night watch]
CIA OFFICER (VOICEOVER): He can kill a man in a second.
[DELTA FORCE OPERATIVE grabbed from behind and pulled into
shadows]
[Fade to black]
0:17
[Cut to PARIS AMBUSH, close-up on camouflaged explosive charge in middle
of street. Zoom out to reveal incoming foot patrol accompanied by Abrams
tank]
CIA OFFICER (VOICEOVER): We've seen what he could do in Europe.
[Charge detonates as Abrams passes over. Tank explodes and soldiers are
thrown sideways. Fade to white]
0:21
[Cut to RADAR OUTPOST INTERIOR, US Army soldiers in panicked fighting
with figure off-camera]
CIA OFFICER (VOICEOVER): Now he's here for a repeat performance.
[Cut to RADAR OUTPOST EXTERIOR, building exploding]
[Fade to black]
0:25
[Cut to BRIEFING ROOM. CIA OFFICER leans in over table, head in shadow.
Slow zoom in]
CIA OFFICER: He is the most dangerous man in this war....
[Shroud pulls back to reveal CIA OFFICER's face]
CIA OFFICER: He must be eliminated!
[Fade to black]
[Music ends]
0:31
[Cut to long shot of DOBRUSHIN, apologetically trailing a figure
off-camera]
DOBRUSHIN: What did I DO??
0:34
[Begin music: "It's Only Rock 'n Roll" Leningrad Cowboys &
Alexandrov Ensemble cover (0:48)]
[Cut to IN-GAME FOOTAGE, DOBRUSHIN's POV as two Su-25s pass
overhead]
LYRICS: I know...
0:37
[Cut to IN-GAME FOOTAGE, DOBRUSHIN's POV fighting USMC in city
street]
LYRICS: ...it's only Rock 'in Roll...
0:39
[Cut to IN-GAME FOOTAGE, DOBRUSHIN's POV fighting Bundesheer in
Berlin]
LYRICS: ...but I like it!
[German troops retreat; scripted sequence of DOBRUSHIN turning right and
taking a picture of the BRANDENBURG GATE with cell phone]
0:43
[Music fades to background]
[Cut to IN-GAME FOOTAGE of INSERTION, DOBRUSHIN's POV in troop
truck]
GRISHA: You know how many video games start with an ambush on the troop
truck?
MOTYA: Well then, be glad we're not in a video game!
0:47
[Cut to MAP OVERLAY, US FRAME showing Russian advances through
Europe]
GENERAL THORN (VOICEOVER): How are the Russkies advancing so
fast?!
[Dissolve to MAP OVERLAY, RUSSIAN FRAME, showing same display. Cut to
GENERAL RODIONOV staring up at MAP OVERLAY]
GENERAL RODIONOV: How are we advancing so fast?!
0:51
[Cut to helicopter shot of Mexican mechanized squadron rushing past the
Alamo]
0:54
[Cut to IN-GAME FOOTAGE, DOBRUSHIN's POV as he and FELIKS board a
MiG-29]
FELIKS: Do you even know how to fly a plane?
DOBRUSHIN: Relax, I play ArmA!
0:57
[Cut to IN-GAME FOOTAGE of aerial dogfight; tracking shot of a MiG-29
flying extremely unsteadily]
1:01
[Cut to IN-GAME FOOTAGE, PTE. RODRIGUEZ's POV as USMC forces defend a
STARBUCKS shop from Russian assault. SGT. FISCHER hands PTE. RODRIGUEZ a
$20 bill]
SGT. FISCHER: Rodriguez! Take this twenty and buy me a coffee!
1:04
[Cut to IN-GAME FOOTAGE aerial shot of Russian soldiers crossing
WESTMINSTER BRIDGE. Cut to DOBRUSHIN's POV; scripted sequence of
DOBRUSHIN taking a picture of WESTMINSTER PALACE with cell phone]
1:08
[Music skips to 2:29]
[Cut to DOBRUSHIN and GRISHA helping crew out of wrecked T-90]
DOBRUSHIN (VOICEOVER): I never wanted to become a hero.
[Cut to IN-GAME FOOTAGE, DOBRUSHIN's POV as wounded Spetsnaz board
Mi-24]
1:11
[Cut to DINGY INTERIOR, DOBRUSHIN saves PTE. RODRIGUEZ from SUSPICIOUS
ASSAILANT]
DOBRUSHIN (VOICEOVER): I also never wanted to go to grade school.
[Cut to IN-GAME FOOTAGE, DOBRUSHIN's POV as Russian soldiers battle
ZOMBIE REAGANS on WALL STREET]
ZOMBIES: Deeeregulaaate!
1:16
[Cut to AWARD CEREMONY, shot-reverse-shot of GENERAL RODIONOV and
DOBRUSHIN saluting]
DOBRUSHIN (VOICEOVER): But it's like Mama always says...
[Cut to In-GAME FOOTAGE, DOBRUSHIN's POV as squad breaks into BURNING
APARTMENT to rescue AMERICAN CIVILIANS]
1:19
[Cut to DOBRUSHIN, PTE. RODRIGUEZ, StGEFR. FRIEDMANN, PFC FARHADI
confronting ELUSIVE VILLAIN]
DOBRUSHIN (VOICEOVER): You've got to make the most with what you
have.
1:22
[Cut to IN-GAME FOOTAGE of T-90 platoon racing over countryside]
1:25
[Cut to low-angle shot of USMC skirmishing in woods]
GENERAL THORN (VOICEOVER): War teaches you to expect the
unexpected.
1:28
[Cut to IN-GAME FOOTAGE, DOBRUSHIN's POV in passenger seat of UAZ
driving through American streets]
DOBRUSHIN: Slow down, it's a school zone!
[UAZ rounds a bend to find a crossing guard directing children over the
street. UAZ brakes sharply]
1:31
[Cut to WAR ROOM, American generals standing over a large planning
table]
ARMY GENERAL: Public support for the war is flagging. We need something
that'll shock the nation back into patriotism.
ADMIRAL: Nuke Paris?
GENERAL: No, they did that in Battlefield 3.
AIR FORCE GENERAL: Nuke the Hague?
[beat]
ARMY GENERAL: You. You're a genius.
1:40
[Cut to IN-GAME FOOTAGE, DOBRUSHIN's POV in cockpit of MiG-29 in midst
of aerial dogfight]
1:43
[Cut to over-the-shoulder shot of GENERAL RODIONOV disgustedly throwing
a heavily-customized rifle towards RUSSIAN SOLDIER]
GENERAL RODIONOV: This is a war, not a bloody arms expo!
1:46
[Cut to two SCENIC EXPLOSIONS in time to music]
1:47
[Cut to PRESS GALLERY, US PRESIDENT engaged in
question-and-answer]
REPORTER: Mr. President, is this war about oil?
[US PRESIDENT begins to answer, but a secretarial aide leans in and
whispers in his ear at length]
US PRESIDENT: Can you repeat the question?
1:55
[Cut to TELEVISION showing news report of war in Europe. Cut to opposite
angle, revealing two CHINESE OFFICERS in armchairs]
PLA OFFICER 1: Think we should get involved?
PLA OFFICER 2: No need. We already own their economy.
[Jump cut to CHINESE OFFICERS toasting]
2:00
[Cut to IN-GAME FOOTAGE, DOBRUSHIN's POV leaping across rooftop of FLAT
MIDDLE-EASTERN HOUSES. Roof gives way and DOBRUSHIN falls into living
room of SURPRISED FAMILY]
2:02
[Cut to IN-GAME FOOTAGE, DOBRUSHIN's POV grabbing INFLATABLE INNER TUBE
to pursue fleeing enemy down SNOWY HILL]
DOBRUSHIN: Wheeeee!
2:06
[Music cuts out]
[Cut to IN-GAME FOOTAGE of INSERTION, DOBRUSHIN's POV as troop truck
ahead is struck by rocket. Squadron hastily debarks for combat]
RUSSIAN SOLDIER (OFF-SCREEN): Chyort!
MOTYA: But see? It wasn't ours!
2:11
[Music resumes at 4:30]
[Cut to black background. Slide in from left TITLE BACKGROUND of Moscow
KREMLIN & ST. BASIL'S CATHEDRAL and American CAPITOL BUILDING]
LYRICS: Like it...
[Slide in from right TITLE FOREGROUND of DOBRUSHIN, looking over
shoulder, confused]
LYRICS: ...like it...
[Fly in TITLE TEXT "NO RUSSIAN" in time to lyrics]
LYRICS: ...yes I...
[Slide in variety of ASSAULT RIFLES around edge of frame, pointing at
DOBRUSHIN]
LYRICS: ...do!
2:16
[Crossfade to RELEASE DATE and PUBLICATION CREDITS]
2:19
[Fade out music]
[Cut to black]
END
PROMOTIONAL TRAILER by @Thorvald (El Thorvaldo)
Inspired by e350tb's Call of Duty fan-game and a conversation since lost to dA's non-existent comment search function, "No Russian" was a random jolt of inspiration for a World War III first-person shooter—played as farce. This was posted as a DeviantArt Journal in October 2013; suffice to say, given Russia's performance in the last year, I seem to have managed a far more accurate portrayal of how such a war would play out than anyone imagined. :B
Some day I do intend to sketch that poster. I'd started work on a speculative overview of the game itself à la TB's, but that barely started before I hit a wall on ideas for the actual missions and my priorities shifted elsewhere. If-and-when I clear my slate, I may yet return to it.
RIP whatever description I'd written for Buzzly.
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